


Burn After Reading

by nursehelena



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Angst, Emotional Sex, Love Letters, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-02-25
Packaged: 2018-03-15 01:22:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3432848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nursehelena/pseuds/nursehelena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>P.S. If I’ve totally misconstrued everything, then please burn this and never bring it up again. I’d be way too embarrassed and I’d eventually get over it, so don’t feel bad if it comes to that.</i>
</p><p>(Tumblr prompt for zashiiworld: person A lightly tracing “I love you” over and over again on person B’s back, assuming that person B is asleep. When person A is lying on their back, getting ready to sleep, person B moves closer and wraps their arms around person A, whispering softly, “I love you too.” Bonus if that’s the first time person A has ever declared their love for person B.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Burn After Reading

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to stay true to the prompt but the fic strayed a little. My bad. ^^'

The afternoon closed in a way Toki had recently become excessively familiar with. He was naked, a little too warm for comfort beneath a fur blanket, and sheer will kept him from falling asleep just yet. Skwisgaar lapsed into a snoring lump quickly and easily after sex lately, a worrisome phenomena that fed into Toki's anxieties. While he himself did everything possible to enjoy the opposite body following extinguished fire, novelty-turned-routine inspired Skwisgaar to—well. 

Toki's light ministrations chased a familiar path across Skwisgaar's smooth back. For being so lean, there was still a hint of a ridge where muscles ran parallel to his spine. Faint freckles manifested if Toki peered long and hard enough to see, and moles further contributed to whom he considered perfect. Truthfully, Skwisgaar was so far from the traditional definition of that. He had crooked teeth that he let no one see unless his guard was lowered enough, his middle was a little pudgy, his pride mingled dangerously with arrogance, and too often did he deliver painful lashes with his tongue before considering their target's feelings. Still, in Toki's opinion, those minor setbacks fed into what made this person perfectly Skwisgaar. Toki's stomach did a buoyant flip whenever he brought the type of glee or comfort necessary to glimpse crooked lateral incisors. Whatever shape Skwisgaar was currently in, Toki worshipped him anyway; his soft middle felt like heaven against his cheek, should they ever share proximity. Pride and arrogance seemed to extend to Toki when they were involved, feeding a sense that Skwisgaar Versus the World became _Them_ Versus the World instead. Skwisgaar's quick tongue softened when directed at Toki as result, since hurting him was practically masochistic. . .or so Toki liked to think, anyway. 

That tongue didn't work so much anymore, a sentiment Toki never believed he'd be sad for. It contributed to his disappointment that Skwisgaar was so quick to nod off in wake of pleasure. Toki couldn't help but believe that Skwisgaar simply ran out of things he deemed important enough to say. He didn't ask as many questions, not that he really ever did to begin with. Skwisgaar was content to simply open his legs for Toki, get what he needed, and then let them fizzle like a soda headed for flatness. Just like Toki feared albeit expected, it was only about the sex. He could pretend to Skwisgaar's face that he was perfectly fine with that, but in reality Toki rotted from the inside out. Yet, he still slipped a little further whenever Skwisgaar spoke less before their purpose on a bed emerged, concentrated more on how their bodies communicated rather than the emotion behind it, and then fell asleep afterward. He kept taking it like a challenge of sorts, no matter how disappointed he always came out at the other end. Everything screamed for him to ask. These questions needed to be answered, but all Toki could do was wait for the aimless touch he currently executed to form invisible words across Skwisgaar's back. His inquiries were lost amongst fingerprints left by so many others, but even though Toki never got a response, he liked to believe it wasn't for lack of trying. 

_Why can't you love me?_

 _Is it because I'm not good enough, or are you missing something that makes it impossible?_

_Are you scared of this? Me?_

_Do you have any idea how crazy I am about you?_

As Toki got into the swing of it, his questions turned to statements. Now that the possibility of rejection was exterminated, he grew bolder. 

_You're so intimidating._

 _I don't know what I'll do when this is over._

_I could probably do better than you, but I don't want to try._

_You're perfect._

_You're beautiful._

_And I'm just stupid._

_I love you._

Toki's fingers increased in speed, for those three words burgeoned for escape from every pore on his body. 

_I love you._

 _I love you._

_I love you._

_I—_

A shiver rode down Skwisgaar's back, followed by a deep breath that might mean Toki's reborn fervency woke him. Sure enough, despite Toki sinking further under the blanket and situating his head on the pillow provided, Skwisgaar yawned and then lifted his face so that its profile became visible. “Weres you trying to tickles me?” 

“Sorries.” 

“I didn'ts imagine you playings around on my back, dids I?” 

“Nuh-uh,” Toki quietly admitted. 

“Woulds you scratch it for me?” 

Toki didn't have much for nails, but he was glad to oblige. If Skwisgaar asked to be touched, Toki would always feel minute honour to be chosen before anyone else. In a situation like this, though, it could merely be because he just happened to be handy. 

Some ghost of Toki, perhaps in an alternate universe, used a contented sigh as excuse to press himself to Skwisgaar's back, situate his head in the crook of his neck, and whisper all the things he wished to say. Fear stayed Toki instead and, when Skwisgaar's snoring threatened to ramp back up, he receded by slipping out from under the blanket. 

He did so too early. Skwisgaar silenced, and then rolled onto his back in order to watch Toki jump into his jeans. “You ams going?” 

“Ja, I probably shoulds.” 

“All rights.” Skwisgaar stretched and readjusted. “I sees you later?” 

“Sure.” Until Skwisgaar cut him off, that would always be the case. Toki could never say no, nor would he. Every time they converged was a treat worthy of being treasured, and Toki always had to give it his all because he didn't know when it might be his last chance to relay everything he couldn't summon in speech. By this point, Skwisgaar probably just considered him passionate, rather than filled to the brim with dammed longing. 

This endless game left Toki utterly exhausted. He only got as far as inside his bedroom door before his clothes were once again removed. His sheets were cold and far too orderly for his liking; if he wasn't so sure that falling asleep with Skwisgaar might be a bad idea, he would've stayed much longer. 

Unconsciousness came without dreams, except one instance that Toki wasn't sure rooted in reality. Blurry vision of his stone bedroom wall came with knowledge that someone invaded his space. Perhaps it was the shift of air that alerted him, but since nothing bad came of it he dozed right back off. When he checked his phone for the time a couple hours later, Toki didn't think about that anomaly until emerging from the bathroom intent to crash back on his bed and distract himself with some games. Situated on his bedside table, where nothing normally ever situated spare a lamp and sometimes a glass of water, was a neatly folded piece of paper. 

Maybe someone _had_ been in his room, then. Amongst gratefulness that he hadn't been woken for it grew curiosity, for Toki immediately recognized the loopy, ornate handwriting that preemptively signed Skwisgaar's name. What business did Skwisgaar have giving him something like this, anyway? Presence of umlauts in a nervous glance at the contents hinted that he might need to translate a word or two from Swedish. Hopefully, if Toki stumbled upon key differences in their mother tongues, he didn't misconstrue Skwisgaar's meaning. 

Before that could potentially happen, Toki laid on his side with the letter held to his chest. Expect the worst but hope for the best. That was all he could do. 

_Toki—_

 _This is the seventeenth draft for this. I finally didn't see any mistakes or muddled bits when I reread it so time to stop obsessing and just give it to you already._

_I wanted to find the easiest way possible to tell you just what these last months have meant to me, but that's such a shallow pool when considering everything we've ever been through together. You've always to some degree been light in my life, whether because I actually let you or sheer determination made it happen even if I wasn’t particularly open to it. You were young when we met and I was already an old dildo, even if we were both just kids. Back then Nathan, Pickles, and I talked a lot about the darkness in Sweden because around the time we all met those churches were being burned in Norway and they were totally fascinated with that landscape. Is it cliche or stupid to write here about the ACTUAL darkness where we came from? Is it pointless, since it practically goes without saying, and it obviously reached you too all the way in Lillehammer? Either way, it did something that shut me up good. Maybe it's because my mom didn't talk to me and I chose not to talk to anyone else, but it's made it so that I'm shit for communicating. I've relied forever entirely on the idea that I could show rather than tell, and it's been my crutch for too long. Something needs to change and I'm half-ready to admit it might be me._

_I'm starting small, on that note. Call this the first step. I can't keep handling things the way I always have because I’m not alone anymore and selfishness isn’t going to work. You’d laugh if you knew how long it’s taken me to get THIS far in this stupid thing. It shouldn’t be so hard (you used to make it look so easy) but goddamn it, it really is._

_Which makes me wonder how I’m going to change—or if I’m even capable of it. I really hope so, because the reason I’m writing this is because even though this hasn’t been going on for very long, I already get the feeling that you’re drifting away from me. Everything’s fine when we fuck, but outside of that, things are slowly falling apart. I keep waiting for you to say something, and for a while I figured you either didn’t know or didn’t care. You’re just as nervous, though. It’s why you don’t nap with me even though I’m comfortable enough to do that now with just one person instead of a pile of women. You don’t talk to me because you know as well as I do that I’m shit for it. (I hope this letter makes you feel better about that.)_

_Anyway. . .I guess if I’m aiming to do anything other than explain myself, I’m asking you to please be patient with me. I think that to some degree you’ve been patient for all the years we’ve known each other, and I apologize in advance for all the hell you’re going to catch in the crossfire between me and myself. If things work out, though. . .promise I’ll be worth it._

_Love, Skwisgaar_

_P.S. If I’ve totally misconstrued everything and I’m imagining the things you write on my back with your fingers, then please burn this and never bring it up again. I’d be way too embarrassed and I’d eventually get over it, so don’t feel bad if it comes to that._

Toki read it over time and time again, attempting to deconstruct Skwisgaar’s words to where the horrible truth lie within. He didn’t immediately believe that something like this would come to him, but every reread sunk the words deeper into his mind until certain passages were memorized. He didn’t know how to react, besides the automatic feelings that emerged. Nothing so sweet had ever been done for him, let alone from someone completely incapable of performing any sort of romantic gesture. This wasn’t romantic though, or certainly not intended to be. It was necessary, for both of them. As Toki’s eyes kept skimming, he read into Skwisgaar’s behaviour rather than the actual letter. Skwisgaar was _damn_ good at conveying this when they laid together, and Toki felt like a fool because he should have known that. Rather than expect Skwisgaar to meet him on all levels, he should have carefully considered who he dealt with. 

It was so difficult though, when Skwisgaar spoke in double meanings. Toki would be stupid to assume that anything Skwisgaar did in bed didn’t simply pertain to practice. However, Toki considered less now all the benefits reaped from Skwisgaar’s experience, concentrating instead on minute glimpses into the person staring back at him from these pages. His lack of fear toward eye contact, the way he held onto Toki when everything boiled over and ended. . . 

He was required to react to this. Of course he planned to, but _how?_ He was totally stumped. Skwisgaar left him speechless, not exactly a great state when his next move might heavily dictate what kind of future he and Skwisgaar had. He didn’t want to scare him off, like a spooked deer. 

Rehearsing was pointless, since Toki conceived about a million possible conversations. The weird thing about the letter was that it didn’t really have anything to respond _to_ , and perhaps Skwisgaar wrote it that way on purpose. Still, Toki needed to let him know that his postscript didn’t apply. 

Predictably, Skwisgaar sat on the edge of his bed with his guitar in hand. It was his go-to when nervous, and it had to really be bad if one of Skwisgaar’s feet also tapped against the floor. He ceased playing when Toki let himself in, his tics grinding to a similar halt, and within the silence they studied each other during, Toki saw uncertainty. He couldn’t stop his cheek muscles from pulling upward into a smile; just _being_ here, and finally knowing what the hell went through Skwisgaar’s mind, made him feel so much lighter. 

“I reads your letter,” he stated. Skwisgaar’s reaction—dread laced with apprehension—already answered Toki’s question, but he asked it anyway. “Does you wants to talks about it?” 

“Ehh. . .” 

“We don’ts have to, untils you’re ready,” Toki assured him. Dropping down beside Skwisgaar, he didn’t hesitate to nuzzle his shoulder. “I’ll tells you somethings, too: I’m goings to keep it in a safe place, and on days when maybes you’re not doings all that great in what you’s tryings to does, I’ll rereads it and I’ll remembers. Sound good?” 

Skwisgaar’s shoulder dropped beneath Toki’s chin with a relieved sigh. “Ja.” 

Maybe not very long passed since they last ruffled Skwisgaar’s bedding, but Toki had a whole new context to learn Skwisgaar through. As predicted, an urgent squeeze of his thigh and lips travelling up and down his neck rapidly drew attention. While normally Skwisgaar might carry on playing his guitar in order to maintain an aloof demeanour, it went virtually forgotten on his lap as he fell right into Toki’s affections. Toki didn’t flinch at all when the Thunderhorse fell toward a clank on the floor, instead taking its absence as chance to put Skwisgaar beneath him. The value of insight could not be understated; being squeezed between long thighs transformed from open invitation to a personal embrace. Lanky arms around his neck weren’t insurance that Skwisgaar didn’t get riled up for nothing, should Toki change his mind—it ran deeper than that. The tenderness that framed their kisses in rubbing noses and touching foreheads meant exactly what soft, blue eyes looking up at him attempted to convey. 

Skwisgaar wrestled with himself, in exactly the same way Toki imagined he did all throughout crafting his letter. Closed eyes preceded a calming exhale and heightened degree of clinginess. “Hey. . .” 

“Ja?” Toki traced his jaw with his lips. 

Another hesitation, since it was obviously too difficult to articulate in English. “Älska med mig.” 

Toki groaned without restraint, hoping it’d inspire Skwisgaar to mirror his raw emotion. Now that they entered a court which Skwisgaar was familiar with, he could do whatever he needed to further elaborate on the words he’d earlier penned. They couldn’t seem to coordinate in how they undressed each other, chuckling to level their mutual frustration. While Toki grew accustomed with taking his time in fucking Skwisgaar, he didn’t wish to exist anywhere that deprived him of breath brushing his cheek or neck. Skwisgaar didn’t like it either, judging by how his arms tightened if Toki showed any hint at all of moving. 

Thank God earlier action equated to little necessary preparation, beyond fetching a condom and pulling up the lube from under the bed. For a moment, as Toki ensured the pillows beneath Skwisgaar’s hips kept him comfortable, he didn’t recognize who he made love to. Emotion wrecked a person more than even the hardest fuck could, and Skwisgaar’s marked bliss proved that. Empathy toward finding himself in such a situation elicited the ghost of an expletive; this meant so much—everything Toki ever hoped it could—and this could definitely last. Skwisgaar cared enough to put all that thought toward ensuring this didn’t end. It wasn’t all left up to him, which meant this wasn’t one-sided. Everything Toki felt was mirrored, however horribly Skwisgaar was at expressing that. It was bound to change, one day. Skwisgaar willed to put in the work. 

For just having a nap, Toki felt completely wasted when he laid as dead weight on top of Skwisgaar. It was preferred though, to any alternative. Skwisgaar wouldn’t let him go yet. 

“I love you.” However awkwardly it came, Toki’s heart still skipped. “I’m goings to tries to gets used to sayings dat. Dat ams de second step.” 

“Loves you too.” Toki kissed his cheek. “I guess you already knews, though.” 

“I’m sorries I didn’t say anyt’ing sooner. I wish dis was easiers for me, and dat I didn’ts have to ask for patience and other stupid t’ing like dat.” Skwisgaar sighed. “Ams I worth what I’ms going to puts you through?” 

“Withouts a doubt.”


End file.
